Like i said in an earlier post, there is a point where people get tired of hearing you whine about feeling sick, about waiting to feel better, waiting for stability.
I guess I've hit that point today while on the phone with my mom, who listened to me whine for about 5 minutes before delving into a lecture about all the ways I've fucked up my life since I've left home, that I've "done this to myself" concerning my gastroparesis. Hearing her straight out call me a failure in an especially cruel way, "I talk with my friends about their children. they're all adults, graduated college in four years, and are successful. When they ask about you, I don't have anything to talk about because there is nothing positive to discuss. You are a failure to us and you just irritate us more and more because you can't support yourself"...
...just wow. talk about a way to kick someone when they're down. She took my anxieties about work in the same manner, (I told her I was worried about meeting the fitness requirements for a swim instructor, I just don't have the energy it takes for all of the certifications right now. I can teach, it doesn't require much energy, but all of the requirements outside the lesson itself is too much for me) --she told me that I probably wouldn't be able to do it and to work on getting healthy first.
I find it completely unfair that she has this opinion, when lately I've been getting alternating lectures of "don't do anything until you're healthy" and "wow, it sucks that we have to pay for you again, and we're pissed off we're having to support you." It just honestly makes me feel like shit about myself.
Trust me, if i had the ability, I'd be back bartending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and supporting myself. I hate feeling this weak and at the age of 24, still having to rely on my parents financially. It just sucks to know that my parents think that low of me and are mad at me for developing this illness.
You want to know what depression feels like? It's the feeling that your parents have completely given up on you and don't care. Because they want progress and independence, and I can't give that to them right now.
So maybe I shouldn't talk to my parents anymore, because I can't handle that in addition to the depression I'm already feeling.
And I really don't know if I can do this job. I guess I'll find out tomorrow if I'm an even bigger failure than the one i am today.
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