"But you don't look sick..."

I honestly wish I could have a dollar for every time someone has said that to me within the last two years...I could probably pay off all of my medical bills by myself if that option was a possibility.

One of the most difficult things about GP is the explanation of what's wrong with you. First of all, people don't tend to think that stomachs can just stop working, and if they have any iota of an idea that stomach paralysis is possible, they don't realize how the hell that would affect a person's entire body, as well as mind.

Just because someone appears to be healthy doesn't mean they are. Personally, I try my best to look somewhat 'normal' whenever I go to the grocery store, 7-11, etc because I always feel as if people can tell that something medically isn't quite right with me, but don't want to ask. This may be because I have lost a significant amount of weight since starting to follow GP diet guidelines.

Or perhaps because lately, I carry around an aura of depression. Just one of unhealth, of general unwellness. but I digress.

The most common time I actually have to explain that I have GP is at the grocery store, go figure. Not having a job right now is helping in terms of lack of explanation to the general public, but there are some random people at various locales who ask about my hospital bracelet, skinniness, etc.

But, the grocery store is the most common place. This is because what appears to be a 17 year old girl is buying baby food in bulk at the self checkout.

I get one of two reactions at the grocery store--the judgmental "I can't believe I'm seeing a teen mom at my local Vons!" glares from people, and the look of general confusion-"why is this teenager buying baby food?"

First of all, I look very young for my age. I'm 24, and I still get carded for tobacco on a daily basis because apparently I don't look like I should have a driver's license. So I can imagine why it'd be weird to see me at the store, but still. Being on the side of the curious stares is not a pleasant experience and really expedites my grocery shopping

Usually, people don't comment. But more times than I've expected, either a random person in line or one of the checkstand people makes a comment. Some sort of "how's the kid?" begins the conversation, to which I always reply, "No kid, just a chronic illness."

This logically follows into a quick synopsis of what GP is and how it affects me on a daily basis, all before I can swipe my debit card.

I usually launch into some sort of a Wikipedia-esque discussion of what GP is and what it does to you. After I inevitably tell whatever person that I throw up at least once a day is when I receive the requisite "But you don't look sick!"

You have no idea how much I absolutely DESPISE hearing that. Instead of, "you don't look sick," why not, "Wow, congratulations on not disintegrating from starvation! Keep that weight up!"

Obviously that statement is completely idealistic and I'd never expect to hear it from anyone. But it is a daily battle trying to keep my weight to some semblance of normal and it is incredibly irritating to have to hear day after day that I don't look sick, so therefore I shouldn't act like it.

I always fantasize and play the 'what-if' game with these people--"Imagine if you had the flu every single day, but without the knowledge that you will feel better after a few days of hell," or "Try eating 200 calories a day for three days and then imagine how you'd feel about trying to go through a typical day in your life."

People in general don't understand that either. It's very frustrating. They know what it feels like to have the flu. They know what it feels like to be famished-but usually only after skipping one meal. Try skipping everything but your morning coffee everyday and you'll see how I feel like.

The conversation always ends with some sort of generalized "well, I hope you feel better!"

...thanks, random people at grocery store. It's a nice sentiment, but it really doesn't do anything for me, especially since I "look so healthy." Great!

I wish that, with even one person, that GP would sink in with them. People try to understand cancer, AIDS, other chronic illnesses, but GP is a relatively unknown one and some actual awareness beyond a five minute conversation would do wonders for GP research.

The point is, if you see someone buying baby food, don't judge, especially if they appear young. And if someone tells you they are sick, don't brush it off. Respect them, tell them you're sorry, and to keep your head up.

That's all people with GP need-a positive wish that our lives will improve. Think about it next time you're at the grocery store--4% of the population has idiopathic GP, and even more have diabetic related GP--there's a possibility someone there at your store is suffering.

Just tell us to keep being positive, because on good days, those words will hold. And on the bad days? They'll keep us going.

Support Systems.

Support systems are a funny thing. Whenever I think about a support system, I tend to visualize a person or a group whose purpose is to provide "support" to another person, one with some kind of physical or mental or financial deficit who can rely on said support system to hold them up through whatever crises that person is experiencing.

It's interesting though, because the definition of "support" is vague and cloudy, and definitely changes on a person-to-person basis. For example, one person with GP may want someone there to hold their hair back when they puke, but another may simply want someone to say 'it's ok,' hand them a rag, and rub their back.

The point is, it's difficult to find a support system in terms of being someone who needs one, because in order to have one you have to define what kind of support you actually want.

Which I consider personally to be the most difficult aspect of what I want from a support system, because my needs tend to vary on a day by day basis depending on how much food I kept down last night, how much sleep I got, etc. I feel bad for the BF and the parents sometimes....I can be fairly high maintenance when it comes to what I want from the people who are close to me.

When it comes to my friends, its a difficult process to support me because of geographical distance. It's hard to be there for someone when you're 300 miles away and can't really do much more than a 'sorry' and 'hope you feel better tomorrow.' However, it is appreciated so, so much on my end because it means that despite the chaos and difficulties in their lives, they're thinking about me and wishing me well. When someone isn't physically present, that's the best you can ask for, just someone to listen to you whine and sympathize.

When it's someone who isn't geographically distant, this is where the definition of a support system becomes more variable. I understand how hard it must be to be around someone who pukes constantly and can't really do much, (I mean shit, today is a particularly bad day, I couldn't even go to my hair appointment because I feel so close to vomiting. However, I've definitely noticed a correlation between my mental status and my stomach. Bad head days always lead to bad stomach days. I'm scared to eat tonight) and how frustrating it must be to be stuck around someone who is struggling just to survive.

But this is where the support system is really necessary. Having GP is ridiculously hard and ridiculously debilitating in terms of survival. Throwing up day after day, facing each morning with fear of how the day will play out instead of rejoicing that you're alive for another day...just living and wanting to wake up for the next day is hard when you have GP.

Especially when you have GP and are still waiting to start a treatment that may or may not work. It's incredibly difficult facing these odds every day and still have a desire to fight, to live.

This is where that support system comes in. Because you need someone there to get you going, to tell you that things will get better and you won't always feel this shitty. Because without a support system all you will do is wallow in pity. And perhaps that is part of what a support system is as well.

The point is, it's difficult to have a support system. It's hard to describe what would make you feel better when all of the negative odds in the world are pressing down against you. It's hard to say "oh, a hug will help," but the next day it may not. The feelings you have with GP change on a daily basis, and it's the responsibility of a good support system to understand that and be flexible with how they support you.

Always have someone there for you, because on most days with GP, you can't be there for yourself.

The Building of Frustration: A Case Study

It simply amazes me how the meds I'm on affect my mood. With all the mood swinging I still have to endure until the drugs in my body decide to harmonize, I feel like I'm simultaneously PMS-ing and going through menopause. This isn't fair. Although I feel as if the hot flashes are due more to a lack of ventilation in my apartment than the neurons in my body running awry.

Case in point. I woke up fairly early this morning, like I have been for the past week. I haven't been sleeping that great, waking up 2-3x a night and watching P-90X informercials until my body graciously grants me sleep again.

In addition, I have now apparently become the lightest sleeper in the country. I don't know how this shift occurred, because I used to possess the innate ability to be literally dead to the world until my body thought it was ready for the next day. Usually, this was around 12 or so hours of mostly uninterrupted bliss. (My mother seemed to be the only element against this plan).

So, needless to say, I am not a morning person as of late. I tend to get really frustrated, especially if the boyfriend is still sleeping and I feel bad for doing things like flushing the toilet (NOW WORKING BY THE WAY, THANKS BF + UNCONVENTIONAL CLEARING METHODS) and making coffee, because I have assured myself that I will always wake him up doing so, even though he DOES possess my former sleeping abilities.

However, it seems like the abilify I'm on does help in the morning. Abilify, a cigarette and coffee together tend to make my mornings pretty happy-go-lucky as of late. Granted I am supposed to be re-teaching myself calculus right now but as calculus tends to make me cry and/or throw things, I don't think it's in my best interest to be attacking a task that fucks with my neurons anymore than the present.

Not this morning. This morning, I woke up queasy, 7-11 ran out of pumpkin spice creamer, and I've been messing around with this pinterest gadget on my page for a good 4 or so hours. And am still queasy despite all of the anti-nausea meds I'm on. For some reason, today, my body just decided that it didn't want today to happen. And its punishing me for living through it.

I can tell you right now, the trip to the grocery store seems incredibly difficult. The appeal of doing absolutely nothing besides rewatching Sex and the City reruns all day far exceeds any sort of productivity.

Add that feeling to my general irritation of the day and predictably, I'm going to curl in a ball with my baby blanket and glare at the BF's food as if it is responsible for how i feel.

Here's to (perhaps!) no puking (or just no eating) tonight!

Hope...?

Today, I woke up today with somewhat of a new, well, more forgotten, feeling. Today, I woke up with a little bit of optimism. I don't know what it is, whether it's the pumpkin spice creamer in my coffee bringing fall along, the satisfaction of being able to pay another medical bill, [of which i have approximately a grand yet to still pay off, thank you ER fees] or the possibility of my grades from summer session B finally being released, i'm in a pretty good mood.

I'm hoping this means that the abilify that I've added to my current medical regime is working. Supposedly, once it starts working, a few days after beginning it (which is positively glorious, in terms of medical stabilizing time, my anti-depressant took like 8 weeks to settle in before I stopped acting like a hormonal psychopath), it's supposed to give you some energy in the morning, and boost whatever isn't working with your original anti-depressant. so, here i am, with a bit of hope.

Even though I barfed three times last night, (although in all fairness, after my second puke, it being 1am and nothing else open, my third puke due to dominos bread bites delivery was TOTALLY my fault. but they were so good, it was ok), I have a slight spring in my step today. I feel like possibilities have made themselves available in my eyes again, and i like it.

Even though my biggest plan today consists of cleaning out the bunny cage, it's something. don't knock on whatever sunshine i find, the idea makes me happy. Why? Because I actually have the desire to do SOMETHING.

I hope this is abilify's actions, and not just a random good day on my part. Crossing my fingers like you wouldn't believe--if this stabilizes my head out, I get to try a stomach med again! and maybe eat something besides turkey rice entrees that apparently my mother used to feed to the dog when he got sick!

Like I've been telling my parents, all I want for Christmas is to be able to eat a BLT again. Although this might not happen still, with all the medical aid available in the world, maybe I'll get to eat something besides my trusty gerber goodness for a chance this christmas.

On a Particularly Bad Day...

With GP, there are always good days and bad days. Unfortunately you can't predict them, and they have an uncanny ability to occur on days where you actually have to be productive. The bad days, for lack of a better term, blow. Constant, annoying nausea that refuses to wane even with the aid of two anti-emetics. Tiredness, weakness, irritability, and quite often, a good puke or three.

I've had the lucky ability to have about 4 bad days in a row this week. I've considered not eating to save my throat from puking, but I have about 6 hours of actual work on Monday, and I need to fill up on energy this weekend. So, puking aside, I've been pretty down and pissy.

Also-Stanford is playing USC right now and without Andrew Luck as quarterback I'm terrified we're going to lose. No faith in the new QB yet. I HATE when Stanford loses. Talk about bad days...those are the absolute worst.

So, because I've been moping around all day, I had the bright idea to come up with some instagram goodness of things that do make me happy. It'll be nice to have a virtual pick me up available whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Regardless, Stanford had better win.