Loss.

One of the hardest obstacles in the battle against GP is the continuation of a social life. In a way, it almost screams 'haha, I may throw up all day but suck it, GP, look at me having normal social interactions!'

However, due to the truly amazing coalescence of gastro-related symptoms, social interactions are pretty much out. period.

I think I've finally reached a point in my life where I am mourning this loss. Never again will I be able to spontaneously get drunk with friends. Never again will I be able to go out to a restaurant and order something off the menu without worrying about the far ranging consequences of soup versus the crackers and tic-tacs in my purse. Never again will I be able to enter a bar and actually enjoy the atmosphere drinking entails.

I know this is a ridiculously pessimistic way of looking at things, but it's the honest truth, at least in college. If I look back at the past few years of my life, I really can't remember a good portion of them, and that's because I had the freedom of putting whatever the hell I wanted in my body without fear of hours of throwing up and nausea which remains steady for hours after.

Since the GP really started affecting my life, hitting its worst and continuing downhill from there in around November of 2011, I have felt this loss. Repeatedly. The worst part of this loss takes place in several stages:

Stage One: Receiving requests from friends to hang out/drink/go out tonight and subsequent refusal without a real explanation of why.
Stage Two: Repeatedly denying requests from friends to hang out/drink/whatever, with small explanation of stomach problems.
Stage Three: People stop asking you to do things because they know you'll say no, and become frustrated with you due to your complete de-evolution from social butterfly to couch caterpillar.

Although my friends do understand to some extent about my social limitations, it's hard for them. I do give a few of my friends some serious credit though-they make time for me, even if they aren't in Santa Barbara, to just come and hang out, talk, maybe smoke a little--changing the scenario of hanging out into one that's suitable for me. Namely, no food involved.

I am ridiculously lucky to have these people in my life, those that are willing to just sit around, listen to me complain, and make me laugh instead of wallowing in pity with me. These are the only components that my 'loss' has allowed me to keep and i will treasure them.

However, I will say that the absolute worst part of living around people who still maintain the freedoms I've lost is the jealousy. Do I want to go drink every night and rage my face off at the age of 24? No. But would I like to have a few beers and watch the football game? Hell yes. That has been my favorite activity since I came to college. Stanford + ShockTop + Game Win. That was an explicit equation to my personal happiness.

The jealousy kills though, especially in terms of the BF, who still drinks like he just turned 21. It honestly feels like at some points that he's throwing it in my face that he still has the ability to go out and party and essentially has freedom, while I remain chained to my bed in my apartment, trying to hold down my yogurt bites.

I think that at some point, I will get over this 'loss,' this lack of being able to live the life of a normal person and not of a formerly entertaining ghost of a person.

But, I think right now, in wake of my recent diagnosis of GP, I am allowed to wallow. and wallow I shall.

Alone.

the concept of the word 'alone' is a funny thing. The definition of the word is so vague and can be used in so many connotations that at some point, the feeling behind the word is lost.

However, I can assure you that today I truly do feel the emotion behind the word 'alone.'

I could have also titled this post "i told you so" because in today's instance, my parents were spot on.

I've been lectured during every phone call to either parent throughout the last few weeks. One of the things that both parents repeatedly made a point of mentioning was the idea that I should make sure that I was physically and mentally stable before going out and pursuing extraneous activities such as a part-time job or internship.

Following along the same course of action I have developed over the last 24 years, I completely ignored my parents and decided that with the conclusion of my movie class, I should get a part-time job so I wouldn't just sit and dwell on everything wrong in my life.

Go figure, I actually manage to get a job. I do have the innate ability to interview well despite whatever turmoil is occuring in my life.

But today, for the first time, I really sat and thought about the weeks ahead, with at least four before I finally get to try a stomach medication again. And I thought about what my parents had repeatedly told me. And i recognized that the feeling of dread I had when arriving at work was not the attitude with which I wanted to start a job.

So, I quit. Well, less 'quit' and more so 'hired at a later date,' provided that I have stabilized in terms of my health. And I cried about it, but do realize it's probably the best decision for me in terms of attempting to get a career job in the future, I don't need anything negative in terms of job history.

However, with that feeling came the loneliness. I have let my medications get the best of me again, and pissed off the boyfriend to the point where I think he's done in terms of 'us'.

I have no friends here, all of my college friends actually graduated on time and are out and about living their adult lives. My parents are understandably tired of my crap and repeated whining as well.

Today I can truly evoke the feeling of being all alone.

Once Upon A Time..

Once upon a time ago, i had everything. And before i realized it, i lost it all.

But have i really?

At the age of 24, with a recent diagnosis of gastroparesis, a chronic illness which stops the movement of the stomach and comes with a debilitating array of symptoms, including constant nausea, daily vomiting, exhaustion, and frequent trips to the emergency room.

In fact, i'd say i have the qualifications to become Goleta Valley ER's patient of the year, two years running, given the multiple misdiagnoses i've been presented with. (For the record, pity the employees of this hospital, I raise holy hell anytime a needle is involved in a hospital visit, which tends to be every time.)

Gastroparesis isn't as simple as described-it also comes bundled with constant anxiety and fear concerning eating, depression, daily weight and mood fluctuations, and social isolation.

Perhaps the worst symptom of gastroparesis is the isolation that comes along with it. You never realize how much human social interactions (especially in college!) involve food and/or alcohol until you begin to repeatedly decline invitations to hang out, grab lunch, have a beer and watch the football game (Go Stanford, for the record).

It's a difficult condition to explain to friends and family, who theoretically hear and share sympathies with you, but who truly cannot comprehend a lifestyle where puking several times a day is normalcy, and keeping down half of a fruit smoothie is considered an Olympian-esque victory. In fact, over the course of this summer with an 8am class, I have devised the motto "puke and rally" into my morning routine.

The most common explanation for how gastroparesis feels is usually something about feeling like you have the flu, without the expectation of feeling better after a few days of your head in the toilet. Most people know how it feels to have the flu, but most people don't know how it feels to have the flu without the optimism of a healthy self in the near future, or comprehend the large variety of side symptoms that come along with throwing up so frequently-the chest pain, burning throat, and constant exhaustion to the point where starving feels better than trying to eat.

With gastroparesis, you slowly lose touch with friends, just because you often feel so tired or worried about puking (which is, of course, totally socially unacceptable, especially in a college community) that it isn't worth trying to maintain a connection. Family remains there for you, but can only really listen to you cry and whine about feeling awful to a certain degree before they lose interest.

The people who are there for you are ones you treasure. Whoever your support system may be, if they stand by your side through puking, complaining, boredom,(because they can't do anything besides lie around with you), mood swings, anger, and depression, they are difficult to find and are truly strong people, because they bear their own life on their shoulders, as well as yours.

Thus, once upon a time I had everything.
And this condition has slowly stripped away some of the simplest joys of life.

However, I have created this blog for me.

An outlet for my anxiety, my fears, my daily struggles, so that I can, for the first time, have control over my gastroparesis.


And perhaps to show others that over time, normalcy can be found in the chaos of such a daunting, debilitating condition.

I'll keep you posted.