Saturday, September 29, 2012


The exhaustion I feel after the slightest of exertions is amazing to me, even after dealing with energy loss for months. It honestly scares me that my body is so weak-I feel incredibly out of shape and actually acknowledged it when I had to do a swim test to prove that I could be a competent swim instructor this month.

I don't know exactly how many calories a day I actually manage to keep down, but it is clearly evident that my body is having difficulty surviving. Case in point, I went to the tanning salon today (I rely on my half-Pakistani side to keep me skin cancer free), and felt physically dead after twenty minutes, with fun side effects of dizziness and faintness.

I haven't had this happen before and it terrified me. I didn't realize that I was weak enough to the point where excess sun exposure exhausted me. After I half-staggered out of the nail salon, going to the grocery store with the boyfriend felt like the last leg of a triathlon. I'm sitting here now, several hours later, barely able to stay awake while watching Grey's Anatomy.

Although, in all fairness, Grey's has really gone down the shithole in terms of jumping the shark repeatedly. It is, however, enough of a distraction to keep me conscious and not feeling as nauseated.

Another aspect of today that surprised me was how easily I could tear up over just about anything after my tanning spree. I felt very weepy, depressed, and emotional after, and had a good cry with the boyfriend for about an hour.

I even called my parents, just because. Usually, I call them when I'm in some sort of financial trouble. They don't appreciate those calls particularly, so they do enjoy a good chat when I'm not frantically dialing for cash.

The point is, I tend to forget the most basic of human emotions sometimes. Namely, that when at the brink of an exhaustion overload, people cry. They emote. They freak out in some sort of way. And that is exactly what I did today.

Post cry, I wish I could say that I feel better, but I honestly just feel drained, empty, devoid of feelings. Numb, you could say.

The fact that this ridiculous proportion of exhaustion hit me after one 20 minute session in a tanning bed really is scary. It's proof that my body is falling apart, something that I've been continually trying not to acknowledge. I want to believe that even with puking every day, that I'm ok.

It's getting harder and harder every day to keep that facade up. So, for tonight, I'll let myself be numb, let the wall down, and face my exhaustion head on.

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