Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Something that I haven't quite touched on yet is what, if actually kept down, I eat on a daily basis.

My eating habits have always been strange, especially after a stint with anorexia about ten years ago. Couple that with swim team and lifeguarding throughout high school, and you'll find that I don't tend to eat like a normal person.

For one thing, I've never been a big breakfast person. I don't like to wake up and go to school, work, etc. with a heaviness in my stomach. Thus, as soon as I learned to operate a vehicle somewhat correctly, my morning routine began with a starbucks frappucinno, every day.

Although most people can't seem to survive without developing irritability/general out-of-it-syndrome between meals, I weigh about 110 pounds soaking wet and had already trained my body in years of "it's not six pm yet, so you aren't hungry."

Thus, I would drink my frappucinno and look forward to my next meal, dinner. Which is where I would obtain about 70% of the calories I needed for the day. Simple, no? This system worked for years, and I can tell you now, looking back, that the ability to stuff my face with no repercussions is one i sorely miss.

Since the introduction of my GP, I have tried multiple methods of keeping calories in my body. Luckily (Unluckily?) my stomach has shrunk to the size of a lap-band patient, so my metabolism has decided to say fuck it, and hold on to every calorie it can.

Method one was simple: eat soup, eat a bunch of snack-y type crap, and try not to throw up. success rate: about 3%. (I did throw up the 3% of kept down food the next morning, for the record. and after a awhile of this consistently occurring, I became more amused with the fact that I could recognize what I ate for dinner--8 hours previous--than horrified that I was once again barfing.)

Method two is even simpler: don't eat, and you won't throw up. However, the whole starving myself thing was a nod to my anorexic past and although I still have the ability to go a few days after eating, now i'm OLD so I actually suffer for it.

Method three is the current one in progress, and it seems to work out about 25% of the time. This is an improvement, believe me. I have christened method three the "Baby Food Diet."

Looks pretty tasty, right?

Although initially deterred by the idea of eating pureed beets out of a jar, I visited Vons and was met with an epiphany: Gerber makes baby food that isn't in a jar! And thus, I introduce to you the line of Gerber Graduates baby food, which in all actuality, is pretty tasty.

On an average night, I'll try to keep down one of the baby food entree portions (can't each the vegetable portion, I've puked carrots at 8am before and do not plan on repeating that instance ever again). And to snack on? One or two of these:


Let me precede this with the fact that i HATE yogurt. and melted cheese. and anything with that sort of creamy texture. It absolutely disgusts me. However, these freeze dried yogurt drops are pretty freaking fantastic and also have a whole bunch of vitamins. If it's a good night and I'm not looking towards the toilet yet, I can also manage to keep down the Gerber snacks 'baby cheetos,' which totally satisfy my munchie cravings.

Pair that along with a cup of coffee with peppermint creamer in the morning, (I can't drink my frappucinno anymore, alas, it is too filled with fat and dairy), and that's my daily eating experience. My current goal is 'no puking for one week.' still yet to happen.

I think the main problem I'm facing still is that when I get around to eating dinner, all I want to do is stuff my face. So, I binge on my baby food, my stomach tells me to fuck off, repeat cycle. I know that GP 101 states to have smaller, more frequent meals a day but considering I actually like to do things with my day as a generality, I don't usually enjoy eating an applesauce, barfing it up 20 minutes later, and then heading back into work.

So, I guess it is an ongoing cycle in terms of how I'm going to keep myself fed. Right now, my hopes are pinned down on finally getting a pro-kinetic stomach med that works. But until then, let me feast upon my baby food!

Two interesting side notes on the subject of baby food:
1. I have gotten countless judgemental looks at the grocery store while attempting to purchase my baby food. This is further exemplified by the fact that I look like a fifteen year old, and do get carded for tobacco/asked if I'm excited for prom on a daily basis. People, this is not fair. I am not with child, I am eating this crap myself, and I'm going to enjoy it. Luckily, "chronic illness" tends to make people shut up in terms of judging apparent teenagers purchasing multiple bags of baby yogurt drops.

2. Once I finally am through the worst of this GP mess, I'm totally going to create a new dieting system. You know the Atkins diet? Meet the Baby Food Diet. I don't know how filling my meals are relatively, considering that like half a juice box fills me up for four hours (oh, how I loathe early satiety), but seriously, baby food has like no calories in it. One entree=100 calories. One bin of baby cheetos=150 calories (for six servings!!!!) I always get people asking me how I stay so thin, and have decided to just tell people that I follow the Gerber Graduates plan of weight loss.

I'll get back to you when I'm a millionaire.

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